My Will Smith Moment...

Do you remember the last episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air? When Will stands in the empty house and all those emotions and feelings he was feeling seeped through that television screen and into our hearts, I mean, he made those feelings and emotions so palpable! Well, now I think I understand more fully just how he felt that last day on that set. 

I’m not attached to material things but, I have to say that turning in my apartment, the apartment I’ve lived in all my life and feel so comfortable and safe in, was quite difficult. But, I also understand I needed to take that step in order to move forward. If I listen to my feelings, I’d never leave anything or anyone. And I've learned with time, as Elizabeth Bishop said in her poem One Art, “The art of losing isn’t hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.” I have to say that I’m overwhelmingly content looking forward, despite the loss that is experienced when something else is left behind. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “An absolutely new prospect is a great happiness.”

I also said goodbye to what was my current job; to my kids in the community and my kids at juvenile hall. Working in the social work field, as a therapist, was something I never imagined myself doing growing up, or while I was in college or even while in grad school. When I began grad school, my original plan was to delve into community building/organizing. But, “Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails” (Proverbs 19:21). My experience thus far has been an amazing lesson and a beautiful challenge. My greatest challenge has been learning to reconcile the contradictions of juvenile incarceration. I’ve learned a lot about human resiliency, courage, loyalty, love, pain and also, the disparity and injustice that creates the conditions for these young people that facilitates their incarceration. And the sad reality is, that sometimes, they are safer locked up than out in the community. That is, they’re temporarily taken out of their environment, which is often violent and unsteady and put in a facility where they have a stable bed, obligatory schooling and relatively healthy meals 3x a day. Hence, the contradictions.

There were many evenings where I just felt so grateful to God for choosing me to be here with these kids, who needed someone to talk to, to encourage them, to embrace them, to sit in the “sh*%” with them and let them know that they were youth with a promise and with a purpose in this life. I encouraged them to get busy living, not busing dying. And then, there were those evenings where I just prayed to God, pleading for the lives of the young boys I’d meet who might not make it in life. This unfair reality I carry with me, and it continues to burden me, and it hurts, sometimes more intensely than I ever imagined.  But, it also propels me and gives me purpose to help in a greater way one day. Today, I continue to pray for them, I pray that whatever seed I planted, blooms and flourishes. I hope I sparked in them a willingness to keep their heart and mind open for the “unimaginable” — for a different reality, a better tomorrow. That my words landed in good soil and that they defy the odds; the system that so discriminately sets them up for failure, the generational failure they find themselves struggling in.  I pray for all that hidden potential behind those bars; I pray that the world will see it one day and will witness the talent and the heart of many of those young people. You never know how strong you are, until you have to be, and I was genuinely moved by these kids. They touched my heart, moved my life, and I carry their stories with me, for they inspire me to continue working towards a better more just and equal society.

So, I said goodbye to many beautiful and sacred things in my life, some permanently and others, temporally.  But, my heart is full, because I take with me all that I have learned these past few years through my profession, through relationships and most importantly, my walk with God, to hopefully apply them wherever I go. My walk with the Lord these past couple of years in particular, has been one filled with God’s powerful and overflowing grace and love. He’s shown me many times that He is faithful despite my unfaithfulness and He’s just been so so so so good to me. There are no words to describe my gratitude. 

I’ve learned crucial things through the highs and lows that life often takes you through and often due to the very decisions that we make but, as I said, God’s grace is sufficient every time, and He walks with you towards your purpose. And so I continue to learn that:

1. Less is M.O.R.E.
2. SLOW down. Take your time. CONSULT GOD.
3. “Don’t accept love that is too cowardly to open its doors fully.”
4. B.O.U.N.D.A.R.I.E.S. — have them, keep them.
5. Reliability is Consistency in actions and words,
6. Accountability— take ownership of your actions and words.
7. Confidentiality- respect people’s stories. 
8. Mercy is greater than justice; pray for discernment. 
9. True character is revealed in how you treat people you don’t need.
10. Loyalty is revealed when people have options.
11. The person you choose as a partner should be a healing agent in your life; compatible for a lifetime, not just a season. 
12. Allow yourself to be valued.
13. Walk in step with God.
14. STAY in God’s perfect will.

I’m literally starting from scratch when I return to the States. I’m at peace with my decisions, which I grow more excited about and certain about every day.

Stay tuned, I’ll be blogging about my travels :)

<3 Jenny